Jr Tennis Parenting Education – AUSTIN TENNIS ACADEMY

The Religion of Tennis

from Carol

The commitment to elite tennis is a challenging one. It takes a great deal of time, money, faith, and sacrifice along the way. You may be at the beginning of this process or somewhere in the middle, or perhaps you are coming to the end of youth sports and embarking on the college process.

This journey is not only a commitment from your child, but from you and perhaps even from your entire family. It changes the dynamic of how you spend your weekends and holidays. It restructures how you will spend your money and your vacations. It may also be a challenge to explain to your friends who just don’t quite ‘get it’.

When my son was embarking on the next higher level of commitment, I remember saying to a friend that tennis had become our religion. No longer were we heading off to church on Sunday mornings, but off to another tennis match. There was a shift in our commitments and focus. I no longer felt that his life was ‘in balance’ since so much more time and energy were focused on tennis and less on other aspects of his life.

Balance vs Harmony

As tennis progressed, my ideal image of holistically parenting the well-rounded, balanced child slowly began to morph. Our dialogs about choices became discussions of why and how this choice was what he wanted to pursue over other options. At no time during his tennis career was it absolute that he would continue. He always had the option to stop or lessen, or to dive in deeper. There were times that he questioned his choices and he was given the space to do so. There were also times that I questioned his choices… and my choices to support him. My idealistic balance transformed into harmony.

Parenting is a funny thing… there is no right or wrong way of doing it… and what works for one child definitely does not work for another. But when you want your young daughter to stand up for herself and make her own decision, let her go and do it. And sometimes, you need to make a decision for your child. When that is the case, let her know that you will be doing that for her. At times, that is totally appropriate and necessary, often relieving stress from a situation that is beyond her control.

Having said that, if you are going to allow your child to make the decisions… then you must be totally on board and not waiver from your support … even if it means being somewhat out of balance. I remember a tennis mom telling me stories of how awful some of her friends were to her because they just could not understand why on earth she would send her son to a tennis academy and pursue his dream of playing D1 college tennis. She had to defend a choice that she made that was incredibly difficult and heart wrenching… not ever really knowing if she made the ‘right’ choice. But it was her decision to support her son, regardless of the outcome.

So as parents, let us do everything we can to support our children in their chosen tennis career. Everything we say can encourage her on her path to success – and success may mean winning matches or it may mean winning at being confident, or it may mean allowing her to be in harmony with her chosen path. But if we doubt her level of commitment or her ability to succeed, then she will definitely experience doubt in herself. She needs to know that she is more than her tennis. She is important because of who she is and what she can bring out of herself and into the world.

It is hard to fully determine or express how very different Josh’s life is because of the USTA/ATA communities and the foundational support he has received… so whether his tennis takes him anywhere beyond where he is today… I would say the journey has been very worth it, not because of his tennis-related results, but because of what he has learned about his abilities and the community of support that he has been fortunate to be part of.

The Expense

From a monetary perspective, it is an expensive journey. From other aspects, it is a bargain. But remember, the choice to commit financially to support your son’s or daughter’s tennis and development is your choice, not theirs. I never made finances part of Josh’s decision, because devoting his time and effort was his part of the commitment; the financial aspect was his father’s and mine. If your child begins to look at tennis as an investment, it becomes a job and a burden. While this might be appropriate when he has chosen to play DI tennis and is being paid to play, it is completely inappropriate to expect the same response from a 10, 12 or 16 year old. I have witnessed many children become angry or apathetic at this age and then quit altogether because the joy of the game has ceased to exist due to the pressures of parents. Help him keep the playfulness of the game.

In moving forward and moving up in the world of junior tennis, your child’s journey will require more financial and time commitment from your family as she increases in level. This is not your child’s choice; it is yours. And having been through it, it is not one to be taken lightly. You must choose to commit to your part, and let your child commit to hers. If your child is concerned about how much this costs and whether she is performing at a level that is a good return on the investment, she may not be able to perform at her highest level. (This same rule follows in academics.) Relieving Josh of the responsibilities that are mine or his father’s allows him to be fully committed to his.

I think many children struggle because they want to please all of the voices that speak to them, and that is an impossible task. This includes the voices of a social life. Josh made decisions to miss parties, ACL weekends, family holidays, etc which were never easy decisions. And he had guidance. But the ultimate decisions had to come from him – not me, not his dad, not his coach, not his friends. There was never a decision that could please all of those voices.

Parenting is tough… as is growing up… and the manual is not a static one, but an ever-evolving read. Obviously, we want only the best for our children and we want them to feel successful and happy. And wanting those things makes you an awesome parent. Model to your child how to be strong and confident and engaged by doing so every day. Let her grow and know that she is being guided by people who really care for her personal best.

The outcome is a mystery and we can’t yet visit that destination. But as with any religion, it requires faith so that we can get to the end of the journey with our head and heart in tact. So let’s help our child build the vision in her own mind, help her set some great goals for herself and then, help her get there.

Four Agreements

from Carol

Each time the holidays approach, I am reminded of family gatherings when I was a young child. The beautiful moments of food, frolicking and football were always scattered among a few arguments about God or politics or the best make and model of a favorite car. Things haven’t changed much, and although these conversations are mostly unimportant and inconsequential, they evoke some pretty powerful words and emotions.

CP is a small school and I often {jokingly} say that it is like Thanksgiving… every day. Meaning, that due to the intimacy level, the students often speak and act toward one another like siblings or close family members. On a daily basis, there are students helping students, playing a chess game or two, walking and grooming the animals, and collaborating on a project. There is also the occasional argument. With awareness, these disagreements can be used as excellent learning opportunities.

One such moment occurred recently – some of our students experienced some family/brotherly arguments and altercations. While it is never appropriate to be disrespectful, it does happen.

We took this opportunity to discuss, in small groups, the following items:

1) Our words are as powerful as our fists and both need to be respectfully honored and controlled.

2) Our actions and behaviors have the ability to build up each other and the group, or tear them down.

3) Confronting our shortcomings and speaking our understanding and apologies to one another face to face, and acknowledging our own insecurities can be humbling and provide healing.

Although there are times that behaviors occur and things are said that are not appropriate and certainly not expressing the highest version of ourselves, we learn to be compassionate, patient, and an exemplary part of a larger community.

Let is remember to focus on the long term positive expectations of character that we hold for our children, instead of on the temporary and occasional lapse or regression.

And, of course, let us remember to always model that which we want followed.

I am reminded of the Four Agreements of Toltec wisdom: 1) be impeccable with your word; 2) don’t take anything personally; 3) don’t make assumptions; 4) always do your best.

I encourage you to share and discuss these with your children at your next family gathering. If you are interested in reading the book with your family… it will serve you and your family well… with many giving thanks.

Happy Parenting: 15 Things to Let Go of

Because parenthood is challenging, we can sometimes forget how to just be happy in the midst of it all.

Consider which of these 15 items keeps you from happy parenting. Let them go. Allow yourself to be a happy parent for your child—and yourself!

1. Give up “supposed to”

We were conditioned by our own early family experiences to believe that parenthood or childhood are supposed to look a certain way. But if you hold onto the way things are “supposed” to be, you may miss enjoying how they actually are. Be willing to question what you prioritize as a parent and why.

2. Give up on keeping score

What does your mental score-card keep track of… Which parent does more? Who’s most consistent? Which mom contributes most in your child’s class? Who’s most involved in your homeschool group?

Keeping score wastes energy. Just do what you feel inspired and able to do. Don’t feel obligated by others’ contributions. Don’t obligate them to live up to yours.

3. Give up force

As a parent you have a responsibility to set boundaries. But if a child consistently resists a certain boundary, don’t just force them to comply. Ask yourself and your child, “Why?”

Think of yourself as your child’s trusted and effective guide, not their dictator. When they experience you this way, they’re more likely to listen, which means less struggle and frustration for both of you.

4. Give up yelling

If you’re not a yeller, this one isn’t for you. But if you tend to yell when upset, consider this question: Has yelling strengthened your relationship with your child?

Yelling usually happens in anger and it often frightens and intimidates children. It destroys trust and a child’s feeling of safety. Pay attention to times and circumstances when you yell and then commit to changing those scenarios in the future.

5. Give up your need to look perfect

No such thing as a perfect parent. Embrace your imperfections. Laugh at yourself. The best parents are willing to always learn, change and improve.

6. Give up worry

Compulsive worrying doesn’t make your child any safer. It doesn’t make you any happier. And it teaches your children to live in fear. Release your worries and cultivate gratitude for your child’s safety in the present moment.

7. Give up one-size-fits-all rules

Every child is unique. What works for one won’t always work for another. Certain standard rules apply across the board (for example, everyone needs to speak respectfully). But consider the possibility that being a fair parent doesn’t mean doing the exact same thing in the exact same way for every child.

8. Give up the food fight

If you demand a certain number of bites from your children, you set yourself up for struggle at the table—and you set your children up for struggles with food later in life.

Guide, direct, encourage, and prepare healthy food. Let your child voice their preferences. Focus on healthy overall patterns, rather than forcing a certain regimen at a specific meal.

9. Give up your role as events coordinator

If you feel like parenthood is a treadmill you can’t keep up with, you may be taking too much responsibility for your children’s time. Make plans that are supportive to your children’s development, but don’t map out every minute for them.

Downtime is supportive to many children. Moments of boredom allow children to take responsibility for their own time. Make resources available and then let your children create the experience they want. You’ll all be happier.

10. Give up unhealthy self-sacrifice

As a parent, you generously give love, time, and attention. But you shouldn’t give up your core self just because you’re a parent. When you ignore your basic needs, you teach your children that when they grow up, they shouldn’t take care of themselves.

11. Give up guilt

Parents sometimes fall into the self-sacrifice trap because they feel unnecessary guilt. Guilt can be useful if you use it to recognize where you need to make changes. But overwhelming, paralyzing guilt that makes you feel worthless as a person or parent doesn’t accomplish anything. You are enough, just as you are.

12. Give up one-sided decisions

As the parent, you often have the final say. But you and your child will both be happier if it’s not the only say. When age-appropriate, involve your child in decisions that will affect them. By showing children the decision-making process, you’ll empower them to make their own good decisions in the future.

13. Give up negative messages

So many messages are repeated to children: you’re too loud, you’re too quiet, you ask too many questions, you’re exhausting, you’re demanding, you’re too talkative, you should make more friends, quit moving, speak up, settle down, smile more.

You can comment on the exact same behavior in a positive way. For example, you can see the trait of, “You’re too talkative,” as “You really make friends easily.”

14. Give up your own childhood story

What did you experience that you most want your children to avoid? Being teased at school? Lack of money? Feeling not-enough? Your fears may actually set up that same pattern to be re-created. Don’t trap your children now in your fears of the past. Let them go. Create what you want, not what you don’t want.

15. Give up on giving up

I’ve heard from parents who worry that they’ve damaged their child, or that they’ve made a mistake that will last a lifetime. I’ve said this many times:

It’s never too late to be a better parent.

Whether your children are 4 or 40, they respond to genuine love from their parents. The effects of mistakes may take a little longer to overcome if your child is older, but it’s never impossible to show up as the happy, supportive parent that you are meant to be. Don’t give up! You have everything you need to be a good parent.

Ok, deep breath.

It’s time to let go of whatever keeps you stuck and let the happiness in!

http://thechildwhisperer.com/15-things-give-up-happy-parent/#sthash.nX2x0RII.dpuf