parenting – Page 3 – AUSTIN TENNIS ACADEMY

DAILY bREAD for Families

“The decline in SAT scores has a lot to do with not reading … The ability to read is linked to the ability to process, analyze and comprehend information, … I guess that’s called thinking.” ~Donald M. Stewart, College Board President

Michael Silverblatt of “Bookworm” uses an analogy that young people might find more persuasive: “Just as people who don’t work out can’t do certain things with their bodies, people who don’t read can’t do certain things with their minds.”

There is no way to cram for reading comprehension… just as there is no way to cram for stamina. You may want to run a marathon, but you won’t be able to succeed without regular training that builds up to the culminating event or events. You may want to squat 225lbs, but you will need to practice with diligence for an extended period of time to build up the required strength. You may want to have $1 million dollars invested in your retirement account by age 30, but unless you begin the investment early and care for it over a period of time, you are likely to come up short. And you may want to score well on the SAT exam, but in order to do so, you need to put in the time, the diligence, and the vested effort in growing your brain, your thought processes and your stamina for thinking. You cannot build a muscle in a day, but you can choose to practice strengthening it every day.

So it is with reading. It should be a daily practice. Like eating… you don’t eat a week’s worth of food in 1 hour… so why would you try to do it with reading. Take a bit each day and with each word, grow your stamina and your comprehension. Yearn to learn and learn to read.

So… what is your Daily bREAD? Instead of turning on the television, why not sit down for 30 minutes and read as a family? At first, it may take more time and energy, but as with any good investment, it begins to grow with less input… and the payoff is well worth it.

Aptitude or Attitude… What Are We Looking For?

Harvard receives over 40,000 applications each year. About 2,000 of those applicants are accepted and just over 1,600 enroll as freshman*. And each year at Harvard and at each of the other 2,000 degree-granting colleges and universities, this process begins with admissions counselors pouring over applicants in a dauntingly speedy manner in order to flesh out the most interesting XX {37ef6ac642fae6f93f343032eb62785d28fa7a25a4a4f0267a12512c541c53a9}. So how do they accomplish this? Who meets the criteria? What are they looking for?

Inquiring CP students want to know, so we engaged in an interactive discussion featuring the questions that college admissions boards members have ruminating in their heads while reading. They include questions that roughly fit into four categories: Growth & Potential, Interests & Activities, Character & Personality, Contribution to Community. We took the sampling below and read them aloud, contemplating how we think about and exemplify each in our daily lives. It is a thought-provoking list and may offer many topics for conversation around the dinner table.

Have you reached your maximum academic and personal potential?

Have you been stretching yourself?

Have you been working to capacity in your academic pursuits, your full-time or part-time employment, or other areas?

Do you have reserve power to do more?

How have you used your time?

Do you have initiative? Are you a self-starter? What motivates you?

Do you have a direction yet? What is it? If not, are you exploring many things?
Where will you be in one, five, or 25 years?

Will you contribute something to those around you?

What sort of human being are you now? What sort of human being will you be in the future?

Do you care deeply about anything—intellectual? Extracurricular? Personal?

What have you learned from your interests? What have you done with your interests? How have you achieved results? With what success or failure? What have you learned as a result?

In terms of extracurricular, athletic, community, or family commitments, have you taken full advantage of opportunities?

What is the quality of your activities? Do you appear to have a genuine commitment or leadership role?

If you have not had much time in high school for extracurricular pursuits due to familial, work, or other obligations, what do you hope to explore at college with your additional free time?

What choices have you made for yourself? Why?

Are you a late bloomer?

How open are you to new ideas and people?

What about your maturity, character, leadership, self-confidence, warmth of personality, sense of humor, energy, concern for others, and grace under pressure?

Will you be able to stand up to the pressures and freedoms of college life?

Will you contribute something to Harvard and to your classmates? Will you benefit from your college experience?

Would other students want to room with you, share a meal, be in a seminar together, be teammates, or collaborate in a close knit extracurricular group?

*information compiled from CollegeBoard, Harvard and personal counselor meetings

The Religion of Tennis

from Carol

The commitment to elite tennis is a challenging one. It takes a great deal of time, money, faith, and sacrifice along the way. You may be at the beginning of this process or somewhere in the middle, or perhaps you are coming to the end of youth sports and embarking on the college process.

This journey is not only a commitment from your child, but from you and perhaps even from your entire family. It changes the dynamic of how you spend your weekends and holidays. It restructures how you will spend your money and your vacations. It may also be a challenge to explain to your friends who just don’t quite ‘get it’.

When my son was embarking on the next higher level of commitment, I remember saying to a friend that tennis had become our religion. No longer were we heading off to church on Sunday mornings, but off to another tennis match. There was a shift in our commitments and focus. I no longer felt that his life was ‘in balance’ since so much more time and energy were focused on tennis and less on other aspects of his life.

Balance vs Harmony

As tennis progressed, my ideal image of holistically parenting the well-rounded, balanced child slowly began to morph. Our dialogs about choices became discussions of why and how this choice was what he wanted to pursue over other options. At no time during his tennis career was it absolute that he would continue. He always had the option to stop or lessen, or to dive in deeper. There were times that he questioned his choices and he was given the space to do so. There were also times that I questioned his choices… and my choices to support him. My idealistic balance transformed into harmony.

Parenting is a funny thing… there is no right or wrong way of doing it… and what works for one child definitely does not work for another. But when you want your young daughter to stand up for herself and make her own decision, let her go and do it. And sometimes, you need to make a decision for your child. When that is the case, let her know that you will be doing that for her. At times, that is totally appropriate and necessary, often relieving stress from a situation that is beyond her control.

Having said that, if you are going to allow your child to make the decisions… then you must be totally on board and not waiver from your support … even if it means being somewhat out of balance. I remember a tennis mom telling me stories of how awful some of her friends were to her because they just could not understand why on earth she would send her son to a tennis academy and pursue his dream of playing D1 college tennis. She had to defend a choice that she made that was incredibly difficult and heart wrenching… not ever really knowing if she made the ‘right’ choice. But it was her decision to support her son, regardless of the outcome.

So as parents, let us do everything we can to support our children in their chosen tennis career. Everything we say can encourage her on her path to success – and success may mean winning matches or it may mean winning at being confident, or it may mean allowing her to be in harmony with her chosen path. But if we doubt her level of commitment or her ability to succeed, then she will definitely experience doubt in herself. She needs to know that she is more than her tennis. She is important because of who she is and what she can bring out of herself and into the world.

It is hard to fully determine or express how very different Josh’s life is because of the USTA/ATA communities and the foundational support he has received… so whether his tennis takes him anywhere beyond where he is today… I would say the journey has been very worth it, not because of his tennis-related results, but because of what he has learned about his abilities and the community of support that he has been fortunate to be part of.

The Expense

From a monetary perspective, it is an expensive journey. From other aspects, it is a bargain. But remember, the choice to commit financially to support your son’s or daughter’s tennis and development is your choice, not theirs. I never made finances part of Josh’s decision, because devoting his time and effort was his part of the commitment; the financial aspect was his father’s and mine. If your child begins to look at tennis as an investment, it becomes a job and a burden. While this might be appropriate when he has chosen to play DI tennis and is being paid to play, it is completely inappropriate to expect the same response from a 10, 12 or 16 year old. I have witnessed many children become angry or apathetic at this age and then quit altogether because the joy of the game has ceased to exist due to the pressures of parents. Help him keep the playfulness of the game.

In moving forward and moving up in the world of junior tennis, your child’s journey will require more financial and time commitment from your family as she increases in level. This is not your child’s choice; it is yours. And having been through it, it is not one to be taken lightly. You must choose to commit to your part, and let your child commit to hers. If your child is concerned about how much this costs and whether she is performing at a level that is a good return on the investment, she may not be able to perform at her highest level. (This same rule follows in academics.) Relieving Josh of the responsibilities that are mine or his father’s allows him to be fully committed to his.

I think many children struggle because they want to please all of the voices that speak to them, and that is an impossible task. This includes the voices of a social life. Josh made decisions to miss parties, ACL weekends, family holidays, etc which were never easy decisions. And he had guidance. But the ultimate decisions had to come from him – not me, not his dad, not his coach, not his friends. There was never a decision that could please all of those voices.

Parenting is tough… as is growing up… and the manual is not a static one, but an ever-evolving read. Obviously, we want only the best for our children and we want them to feel successful and happy. And wanting those things makes you an awesome parent. Model to your child how to be strong and confident and engaged by doing so every day. Let her grow and know that she is being guided by people who really care for her personal best.

The outcome is a mystery and we can’t yet visit that destination. But as with any religion, it requires faith so that we can get to the end of the journey with our head and heart in tact. So let’s help our child build the vision in her own mind, help her set some great goals for herself and then, help her get there.

Four Agreements

from Carol

Each time the holidays approach, I am reminded of family gatherings when I was a young child. The beautiful moments of food, frolicking and football were always scattered among a few arguments about God or politics or the best make and model of a favorite car. Things haven’t changed much, and although these conversations are mostly unimportant and inconsequential, they evoke some pretty powerful words and emotions.

CP is a small school and I often {jokingly} say that it is like Thanksgiving… every day. Meaning, that due to the intimacy level, the students often speak and act toward one another like siblings or close family members. On a daily basis, there are students helping students, playing a chess game or two, walking and grooming the animals, and collaborating on a project. There is also the occasional argument. With awareness, these disagreements can be used as excellent learning opportunities.

One such moment occurred recently – some of our students experienced some family/brotherly arguments and altercations. While it is never appropriate to be disrespectful, it does happen.

We took this opportunity to discuss, in small groups, the following items:

1) Our words are as powerful as our fists and both need to be respectfully honored and controlled.

2) Our actions and behaviors have the ability to build up each other and the group, or tear them down.

3) Confronting our shortcomings and speaking our understanding and apologies to one another face to face, and acknowledging our own insecurities can be humbling and provide healing.

Although there are times that behaviors occur and things are said that are not appropriate and certainly not expressing the highest version of ourselves, we learn to be compassionate, patient, and an exemplary part of a larger community.

Let is remember to focus on the long term positive expectations of character that we hold for our children, instead of on the temporary and occasional lapse or regression.

And, of course, let us remember to always model that which we want followed.

I am reminded of the Four Agreements of Toltec wisdom: 1) be impeccable with your word; 2) don’t take anything personally; 3) don’t make assumptions; 4) always do your best.

I encourage you to share and discuss these with your children at your next family gathering. If you are interested in reading the book with your family… it will serve you and your family well… with many giving thanks.

Nurturing Nature

According to Joshua Leibman, author of Peace of Mind,

“There is here no fatalism of endowment.”

Recently, I was gifted with a Bonsai tree.
I always admired images of these miniature works of art – carefully
cultivated and delicately crafted over long periods of time. I used to
imagine the patience involved in watching something so precious progress so
very slowly and the assiduity necessary in guiding its growth.

I spent days, weeks, months looking at my new
charge, wondering in what directions its branches might tend to grow. I
would occasionally turn it and put it in a different place so as to admire it
from another perspective, visualizing it in its future. In an effort to
gain ideas of how I wanted to form its shape, I began researching other Bonsai
creations, hoping to find the perfect one to inspire my new canvas ready for
change. I found images of amazing oak trees so tiny in stature but
grandeur in shape and personality. I found fall colored maples and
evergreen pines that mimicked the most majestic forest specimens.
Then… I peered back at mine. It was then, for the first time, that I
noticed It was really rather… ordinary… and sort of lopsided; most of its
leaves were too big for its trunk size… some were even yellowed, and I really
wasn’t sure how to tame its awkwardness. I became less enamored with its
nature and a bit more obsessed with trying to change it into one of its more
majestic counterparts.

Well, it was not a maple, nor a pine, nor a
mighty oak… it was in fact a ficus with a tiny trunk and oversized
leaves. What happened to my love affair with this newborn project?
Had it changed? Had I changed? Or was I simply comparing it to other Bonsais
that held different DNA? It was then I began to question, like most
beginning Bonsai caregivers, whether or not I had the ability to maintain a
healthy plant. (I thought back and remembered when I was 10… I talked my mom
into stopping on the side of the road and spending an inordinate amount of
money to purchase one for me… I proudly took it home, loved it for days, and
then it died.)

I took a deep breath, picked up my clippers and I
began to carefully clip a few leaves that protruded beyond the limits of the
container… the outliers. Clip, clip, clip. As I did so, a tiny bead of
liquid formed on the tip of the clipped surface in an attempt to heal the
affected part. This process changed and limited some growth of all but
one protruding branch… and I left it there to do as it wished. It is well-known
to Bonsai artists that the key is in being able to control the degree of stress
that a plant will take and still remain healthy. He must have the
willingness to learn, experiment and accept the results of these efforts. He
must also recognize that the growth process takes time, and there are no
shortcuts. Overall, I have not done too much to my beautiful ficus… I
spent more time observing its nature – where it leaned, where it was too big,
where it needed to grow, which leaves needed taming – than attempting to create
an entirely new breed. But its shape has gradually and ever so slightly
begun to change. I am in love with the way the leaves are clipped and
then push forth and then grow back to a more refined maturity.

The ultimate challenge for the
bonsai designer – as it is for a
parent, coach, or teacher – is to expose and draw out the essence. And then… ever so
gently… creatively guide the refinement of maturity.

Happy Growing! ~Carol

Did Thomas Edison Get an “A” in Light Bulb Design Class?

In all of the serious aspects of our lives, do we really remember the powerful relationship between creative play… and thinking?

Problem solving comes from exploration. If the silly ideas of the ‘impossible’ are ignored, passed over and closed down in our children, they will stop thinking creatively. They become embarrassed by failure, when in reality, failure is how we learn. Failure is how we learned to walk – we stumbled through it. It’s how we learned to ride a bike – we fell over and skinned our knees. Failure is how we become intelligent… otherwise, how would we recognize success? In today’s success-driven world, failure is often perceived and treated with negative connotation.

Thomas Edison failed many, many, many times before developing a successful light bulb. But each time he failed, he embraced it as an opportunity to learn again… only, the next time, with more knowledge. He did not hide behind his embarrassment, or shy away or quit. He persevered. He did what we all should strive to do.

However, I wonder what would have happened if Mr. Edison had been graded by an instructor over that period of time of epic failure and had received a failing grade for each failed attempt. Would he have passed his ‘light bulb development’ class? Would the final result of the light bulb make up for all of the failed attempts? Or since he already had 52 failing grades, should he have quit since it was obvious he would never pass the class, since the successful attempt would only account for one grade and definitely not enough to raise his grade to a passing one. What if the course was over before he had the en’light’ened epiphany? Or… would he have continued his explorations – putting aside the grade or what others thought about his failures – for the sheer love and passion of solving the challenge?

Failure is an opportunity to begin again… and learn again… only this time… more intelligently.

Learning is a mystery. One day, knowledge of a certain topic is unknown and does not exist… and then on the next… it appears. The brain is a malleable organ. It is capable of growing and stretching as far as we challenge it to do so. So how do we keep it open? Keep it playing. Keep it thinking. If we ask the right questions… the results are wonder(ful).

~Carol

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