Growing Champions for Life Newsletter from David Benzel

Click here to view this newsletter in your browser March 2015 In This Issue: A Message from David – Article A Resource to Tap GCFL Promotion Highlights Share this Newsletter with a Friend FREE Webinar “How to Improve Family Conversations” Date: Thursday March 19, 2015, Time: 9:00 PM Eastern Time, 45-minute live webinar plus Q & A Click Here to register.

Your Villain Becomes Your Child’s Villain

One of the more memorable sport movies of the last few years is “42” – the true story of Jackie Robinson’s first season in Major League Baseball as the first African American allowed to play in “the Show”, as it is often called. There is one particular scene in the movie that haunts me, and I hope it haunts you as well. I’m referring to the game when Robinson and the Dodgers play Philadelphia and take the field in front of a very hostile crowd. As Robinson runs out to his position in the first inning, a young boy sitting next to his father watches intently as his father yells racist remarks at Robinson for
his mere existence on the field of baseball. Within moments, this young boy who appears to have been caught off
guard by his father’s ranting, decides that he too should join in the degrading of the “villain” on the field; it seems like the thing to do.

A father can be a powerful influence on a child. A parent’s values become a child’s values. A parent’s words become a child’s words. A parent’s behaviors become a child’s behaviors. And it stands
to reason that a parent’s villains become a child’s villains. What a sobering thought!

Perhaps it’s time to ask, “Who have you cast as villain in your world, and do you want your child to see and treat these people as villains – bad guys, undeserving of respect, targets of personal attacks, ridicule and blame? There are few things as destructive as racism; the movie scene demonstrates a father’s influence on a young mind. But it
doesn’t have to be about the color of one’s skin for it to be damaging.

For instance, is it possible that our children learn disrespect for referees by overhearing our repeated disgust over an official’s call? Can we really expect our children to take responsibility for their performances when we constantly blame the judges or umpires for calling it as they see it? How can we possibly ask our children to listen to their coaches
when they frequently hear us criticizing the coach’s decision making?

In truth, parents can be respect-killers for every authority figure in a child’s life by attacking, ridiculing, criticizing, condemning and complaining about referees, umpires, judges, officials, coaches,
and sport administrators. When we “villainize” someone, whether it’s
during a competition, during the car ride home after a practice, or in front of children while talking to other adults, we
should not be surprised when our children demonstrate disrespectful behaviors towards those same people. They
didn’t learn it from a stranger.

We have a huge responsibility to teach tolerance and respect for those who volunteer their time (or are paid very
little) to officiate or coach our children. If we hope to maintain the services of our officials, as well as teach our children respectfulness, we must first learn to control our emotions and our reactions on the sidelines of competition. Many organizations are finding it increasingly difficult to retain officials due to the verbal abuse they suffer at the hands of parents! Yet those same parents expect their children to control themselves.

If youth sports is truly a laboratory for learning life lessons; if its purpose is to help our children develop physically, mentally, and emotionally – then it stands to reason that parents cannot temporarily suspend such virtues as respect and self-control during the minutes of a game. If you recognize the tendency to get emotionally hijacked by your emotions during competitions here are some suggestions:

• Increase the physical distance between
  yourself and the field of play; sit
  farther
  away from the action
• Closely monitor your self-talk during the
  competition to stay focused on only the
  things within your control; an official’s
  decisions are NOT within your control
  so leave them alone
• Guard your reactions, especially in the
  first 10 seconds after a play or a
  “call” by a referee
• Ask yourself, “How would I feel right now
  if I were an official at a youth sport
  competition having to make a close or
  controversial call?”
• Be ready to consider this question at any
  moment: “What life lesson is my
  child exposed to by having to deal with
  the
  adversity of a ‘bad’ call during
  this game?”

Give these strategies a try. They will go a long way in helping you set a good example for your children and make it safe
for our referees, umpires, and officials to continue doing the task they enjoy.

A Resource to Tap:

Rich on Paper, Poor on Life
by Philip
McKernan

We live in a world that works tirelessly to assimilate us to be “normal”. This collective pressure has the ability to dampen our spirit and give up the dreams we have in our souls in search of what we are told is success and happiness. We often find ourselves chasing the things we think will make us
happy and when we get there, feeling an eery emptiness.

The real life stories in this book will inspire you to find the courage and clarity within to take back your life and challenge the very essence of the things you think will make you happy. Stop living the life others want for you and begin the quest for meaning in every area of your life. If you feel you are settling in life and wonder if there is more, then this book is for you.

GCFL Promotion:

Sport Parent
Quiz

Discover Your Sport Parent Style!

The sport parent quiz is designed to help you discover how you behave as a sport parent and what effect it is having on your child. Sport parents come in 4 FLAVORS…Manager, Agent, Sponsor, Hero. However, through the challenges and
emotions of sports we sometimes become the sport parent we NEVER intended to be. By answering the following questions honestly, your point total will indicate which of the four flavors fits you best.

Highlights:

Meet a GCFL True Hero Track Partner:

T Bar M Racquet Club

T Bar M Tennis Academy is located in Dallas Texas and offers comprehensive tennis
training to children from 3 years old to highly ranked collegiate athletes and
professionals. Our system of development is based on five areas of focus. Comprehensive
Technical, Tactical, Mental/Emotional, Physical and Character Development are all incorporated
into every workout at every age. For decades our program has produced not only
great players, but most importantly great people.

Quote of the Day

“Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires
less energy to go faster and farther
when
the wheels
are in perfect alignment, you perform
better when your
thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals,
and
values are in balance.
“

– Brian
Tracy, Personal development
author

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by David Benzel

Nowhere is our parenting style more evident than when engaged in the world of youth sports. A disturbing example was recently caught on video tape by a neighbor as a young boy was allegedly whipped by his step-father for dropping the ball while playing catch.

While the majority of sport parents will never be guilty of such extreme reactions to a dropped ball, the more subtle versions of this behavior are a regular occurrence in more homes than we’ll ever know. The severity of the judging and rebuking from parents varies widely but the source of the problem is universal: parents often become more analyst than observer, more critic than supporter, and more judge than encourager. As a result children experience a reaction that generally falls into one of four sport parent categories, only one of which is truly desirable. Which one of these is most like you?

The Agent

The Agent-Parent acts as though a child is a commodity to be developed and promoted. This parent tends to over-emphasize the destination (college scholarship or pro contract) more than the journey. Therefore most performances get evaluated and compared to some standard that must be met to stay on track to reach a goal.

The Manager

The Manager-Parent also applies performance pressure in the hopes of making a child better. The main difference is that the Manager focuses on making progress, rather than just the outcome. This parent will manipulate every circumstance (coaches, schedules, equipment) to gain an advantage. Through their constant evaluating and analysis Managers communicate their joy about improvement and their disappointment about sub-par performances.

The Sponsor

The Sponsor-Parent tends not to be involved in a child’s sport experience, but sees it as something to pay for. Hearing about the results of a game afterwards is the norm. While the Sponsor is less guilty of applying performance pressure before competition, they are equally critical after a game and will overlook opportunities to teach the life-lessons exposed through sports.

In each of the three scenarios above, children start to assume that love is given in direct proportion to performance achieved. Only this final sport parent style sends a message of unconditional love and acceptance.

The Hero

The Hero-Parent purposefully avoids adding performance pressure to a child’s athletic world. While this parent is deeply interested in how his child performs, he’s more interested in how he lives and how he feels about himself – win or lose. For that reason more conversations are directed at the bigger life lessons than at sport techniques and strategies. Sport specific conversations consist more of questions and discussion than lecture and directing.

To become a Hero Parent start by asking yourself this question: “What do you want?” Does your child have to become something different for you to be satisfied?

HeroParentJourney2

Every Hero Parent has found the wisdom and the satisfaction of shifting their true desires over to the right-hand box in the illustration above. When a parent’s “want list” consists of things within their own control that only require a change within them, they can go home happy after every game. The results are better family relationships and happier kids who enjoy sports more and stay involved longer.

by David Benzel

The Real Purpose of Your Child’s SportThere’s an adage that says, “It’s hard to see a picture when you’re standing in the frame.” Perhaps being an athlete in youth sports is like that. It’s hard for our kids to truly understand the larger purpose of the sport experience while immersed in the everyday rigors of practice and competition. Parents and coaches who transport, support, f inance, organize and administrate youth sports can also lose sight of the real purpose and find themselves “standing in the frame” rather than seeing the big picture.

The purpose of youth sports is not, and was never intended to be, focused on winning. The purpose of this experience we call sport is to use the laboratory of training and competing as a platform for two things: 1) having fun, and 2) learning life lessons for the development of personal character. Winning and losing are an important part of this experience, but not its purpose. The professional sports model, with its “win at all cost” mentality, has contributed to the misinterpretation and distortion of the real purpose.

Confirmation of this higher purpose is found in the Latin root of the word competition, which actually means “to strive with an opponent, not strive against, as our current culture suggests. The origins of the word suggest we can become more than we are by striving with a worthy opponent so we learn, change, and grow in the process. According to author David Light Shields, this is “true competition” rather than “de-competition” – win at all costs, even at the expense of one’s character, and destroy/humiliate your opponent.

There are numerous side-effects of parents and coaches missing the opportunities to focus on character lessons for the sake of winning. We currently have too many young athletes who: Suffer with depression, anxiety, and emotional distress in sports Leave sports unfulfilled, dissatisfied, and with low self-esteem Win at sports but lose at life for years to come

The most important question parents can ask is not, “What will my child get by playing better?” but instead, “What will my child become by playing at all?” Speaking at the Tennis Teachers Conference in New York City last month, sport psychologist Dr. Jim Loehr suggested we begin by asking our children different questions. Instead of asking them how they’re doing on their corner kick, free throws, or backhand swing, perhaps we should be asking how they’re doing with their integrity, fairness, and humility. In the grand scheme of things, which qualities do you think have the greatest long-term value for our children? If you’re not having these conversations with your children, who do you think is? It’s time for us to be on-purpose parents.

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